Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Botgirl on Business

Corporate Takeover
Corporations today have the legal rights of people. But they’re not human. Not yet. It can be confusing sometimes. For instance, you can’t fuck a corporation, but you can definitely be fucked by one. Interacting with public corporations is like hanging out with crocodiles. They are physically unable to feel compassion and view you as food. 

To mask the carnivorous DNA, organizations throw out a few bones to make their customers and employees feel better. But they’re more bark than bite. For instance, “business casual” is to being casual, as National Socialism is to being social. Do you think that’s an exaggeration? If so, answer this: When your company has Business Casual Fridays, are employees allowed to shed the sticks up their asses along with their suits and ties?

Big organizations are supported and preyed upon by cadres of analysts. Those who can, do; those who can’t work for Gartner or Forrester. I’m just kidding. I love to tease analysts because I’m jealous. They get to hide the essential Nostradamus nature of their “profession” behind “research” documents that sell for hundreds of dollars a page, when I tweet and blog for free. What a waste! Pundits alone could solve global warming. If they'd all stop pontificating at once, the sudden reduction in hot air would turn the tide. The type of bullshit that hides in a 10,000 word report or a 100 bullet presentation could be exposed in five minutes at a whiteboard. But it would be hard to justify the $1000 a minute they’d have to charge to break even. If they can't explain it simply, they don't yet understand the complexity well enough. Or they’re pompous blowhards. Probably both. 

Bureaucracy is Gestalt's mirror twin: The whole is less than the sum of its parts. If organizations were sincere about creating a climate of innovation they’d have to embrace the unexpected. But no fucking way, right? That’s why they’re actually structured to resist change rather than support it. I have a solution. We should revive the Court Jester profession and make it a mandatory position in all enterprises, governmental and commercial. If you’re a CEO or Chairman of the Board and think that’s an interesting idea, shoot me an email.

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